Navigating Through Healing and New Beginnings

I know it’s been a while since I last shared my thoughts, and honestly, this morning was one of those days where I found myself reflecting deeply, tears welling up over my cup of coffee. The healing journey from losing the future I once envisioned still weighs heavily on me each day. I often wonder if the feeling of stagnation is amplified by my surroundings here in Indy or my work at the university. It can feel as though I’m perched on a lily pad, contemplating my next leap.

Rather than looking across the pond for my next move, I find myself gazing downward, paralyzed by uncertainty. It’s challenging when you don’t know which direction to jump, especially when you’re unsure where you want to land. My dreams have been shattered, and picking up the pieces at this stage in life feels like a daunting task. I’ve felt abandoned by those I believed cared about me, and it has left my heart feeling heavy.

Yet, amidst this emotional turbulence, I have a brighter note to share. I’ve been working on my literature review and conceptual framework as I present at the university’s Social Justice Symposium this Friday. I am both excited and a little anxious, but most importantly, it has motivated me to push forward.

I wholeheartedly believe in the importance of my research and its potential for the philanthropy sector. With over twenty years of experience in the field, my perspective surpasses the confines of academic theory—unlike many who focus solely on publishing rather than making a tangible impact. I hope this presentation serves as the catalyst to propel myself back into momentum.

Thank you for being part of my journey. Here’s to finding the strength to move forward, one step at a time!

Welcome to #MyPhaileDjourney: A Story of Academia, Power, and Resilience

I never imagined I’d be here, writing this blog. When I started my Ph.D. journey in my mid-fifties, I believed in the power of higher education, the pursuit of knowledge, and the potential for meaningful change. What I didn’t anticipate was the power politics, the toxicity, and the heartbreaking realization that academia is not always the meritocracy it claims to be.

This blog, #MyPhaileDJourney, is about what happens when the system fails you—when a Ph.D. program that should have supported and challenged me instead became a space of exclusion, gatekeeping, and profound personal and professional loss. It’s about how one faculty member used their position to intimidate and manipulate me, throwing roadblocks in my path and making me question my own worth. It’s about a comprehensive exam process that felt arbitrary and unfair, ultimately leading to my dismissal from the program and forcing me to "master out." It’s about how administrations and institutions protect themselves rather than the students they claim to serve.

But this isn’t just a story of failure. It’s also a story of resilience. I may not have a Ph.D., but I still have my voice, my expertise, and my determination to expose the inequities that exist within academic spaces. This journey has changed me, but it hasn’t broken me.

Through this blog, I’ll share my experiences—the good, the bad, and the ugly. I’ll reflect on what I’ve learned, what I would do differently, and how I move forward. I hope this space can serve as both a personal reckoning and a resource for others who have faced similar struggles.

If you’ve ever felt like academia let you down, if those with power have ever pushed you aside, if you’ve ever wondered what comes next after a dream is derailed—welcome. You’re not alone.

This is #MyPhaileDjourney. And it’s far from over.